Chapter 2: Gloomhaven (Or The Many Attempts at the Premium Fast Food Hamburger)

My parents didn't really believe in fast food. It was "junk" that I shouldn't be eating. As such, we never really went out for it at all. Doesn't mean I didn't get my grubby little hands on some every now and then. We all have that friend whose parents aren't so particular about what their children eat. You want ice cream and donuts for dinner? Sure. A burrito made with Fruit Loops, Cheez Whiz, and fried chicken cutlets? Why not? McDonalds? Let's go! (I swear, there will be stories that don't involve McDonalds in some way, but it is not this day). So. It happened on occasion.

There's a definite difference though. I mean, regardless of whether mom popped some burgers on a skillet over the stove, or whether dad threw some on the grill, there was just something more to having a home cooked burger. They were thicker, juicier, and topped however you wanted (without having to go through the embarrassment of asking for it "plain" at the restaurant - yes, that's how I ate them, and yes, I'm ashamed of my younger self, thanks for asking).

It's weird being a kid though, right? Here you have this choice in front of you - a homemade, cooked to perfection, plump, juicy hangerber (as my gremlins call them) OR some machine processed, hastily slopped together, bit of "beef" that maybe comes out how you ordered it. You'd think it'd be a straight up easy decision, right? But it never was, because while there was something to a home cooked meal, there was something also to fast food.

Sure it was this oily, thin, flabby bit of meat so smothered in ketchup you couldn't taste whatever fillers they threw in there and to hide the fact that grade-wise Mrs. Wilson would be requiring a parent's signature on its Shakespearean Sonnet exam, but we were drawn to it like "Mine eyes have drawn thy shape, and thine for me." Not quite right, but let's let it be.

You see, Dungeons & Dragons has been the home cooked meal of the hamburger world since Gygax, with the parent playing the role of DM in this metaphor, and for years now, the fast food industry has been trying to figure how to automate that sh..tuff without the mom nor the pop. Sure, some of the entrants into the space have been entertaining, and some have been just downright fun, but while they have some great positives in their favor, it just never quite fully scratched that D&D itch. And like the Arch Deluxe, they just haven't had the staying power.

Enter Gloomhaven. This is the whatever McDonalds is trying to pass off as a "premium" burger these days. It really does come so close to that charcoal cooked, crunchified, brunch-burger as possible while keeping the process automated, efficient, and customer-focused. It's still not mom's paprika-crusted, stove top burger, but it's as close as any have gotten, and makes for some damn fine eating on the quick.