Chapter 2: Gloomhaven (Or The Many Attempts at the Premium Fast Food Hamburger)

My parents didn't really believe in fast food. It was "junk" that I shouldn't be eating. As such, we never really went out for it at all. Doesn't mean I didn't get my grubby little hands on some every now and then. We all have that friend whose parents aren't so particular about what their children eat. You want ice cream and donuts for dinner? Sure. A burrito made with Fruit Loops, Cheez Whiz, and fried chicken cutlets? Why not? McDonalds? Let's go! (I swear, there will be stories that don't involve McDonalds in some way, but it is not this day). So. It happened on occasion.

There's a definite difference though. I mean, regardless of whether mom popped some burgers on a skillet over the stove, or whether dad threw some on the grill, there was just something more to having a home cooked burger. They were thicker, juicier, and topped however you wanted (without having to go through the embarrassment of asking for it "plain" at the restaurant - yes, that's how I ate them, and yes, I'm ashamed of my younger self, thanks for asking).

It's weird being a kid though, right? Here you have this choice in front of you - a homemade, cooked to perfection, plump, juicy hangerber (as my gremlins call them) OR some machine processed, hastily slopped together, bit of "beef" that maybe comes out how you ordered it. You'd think it'd be a straight up easy decision, right? But it never was, because while there was something to a home cooked meal, there was something also to fast food.

Sure it was this oily, thin, flabby bit of meat so smothered in ketchup you couldn't taste whatever fillers they threw in there and to hide the fact that grade-wise Mrs. Wilson would be requiring a parent's signature on its Shakespearean Sonnet exam, but we were drawn to it like "Mine eyes have drawn thy shape, and thine for me." Not quite right, but let's let it be.

You see, Dungeons & Dragons has been the home cooked meal of the hamburger world since Gygax, with the parent playing the role of DM in this metaphor, and for years now, the fast food industry has been trying to figure how to automate that sh..tuff without the mom nor the pop. Sure, some of the entrants into the space have been entertaining, and some have been just downright fun, but while they have some great positives in their favor, it just never quite fully scratched that D&D itch. And like the Arch Deluxe, they just haven't had the staying power.

Enter Gloomhaven. This is the whatever McDonalds is trying to pass off as a "premium" burger these days. It really does come so close to that charcoal cooked, crunchified, brunch-burger as possible while keeping the process automated, efficient, and customer-focused. It's still not mom's paprika-crusted, stove top burger, but it's as close as any have gotten, and makes for some damn fine eating on the quick.

Chapter 1: Mysterium (or How to Stop the Pinball McNuggets)

(Re-post and revisit of a BGG review I did back in January, 2017)

Mysterium... duh.

I had a really bizarre dream the other night.

No (bleep), there I was, in an old school 1980's shopping mall video arcade. You know the type, machine next to machine, sound piling on top of sound, the mixed stench of poor hygiene and the Nathan's Hot Dog stall right next door. There's the guy with the quarters strapped to his belt, and of course, the long line of pinball machines along the far wall. That's where this dream takes us.

In the dream, I'm not operating the machine. No, I'm just a spectator here, but I kid you not, right in front of me, playing pinball is Jackie Chan. THE Jackie Chan. He's looking REALLY intense at this machine he's working, so I get in close.

You see, the machine doesn't have the typical silver ball bouncing around from bumper to bumper. No, that would be too easy. Instead, it's chicken McNuggets. And Jackie NEEDS to keep the chicken McNuggets from dropping down the middle. It's quite literally, life or death.

Dream logic, just go with it.

Sweat drips from Jackie's brow as his fingers dance like lightning to time the flippers just right. And I can do nothing but watch as that oblong fried glob of chicken meat bounces from side to side. And then it happens. It hits that one spot. You know the spot. The one bumper that directs the ball (chicken McNugget) straight down the middle. And it's going down. Down. Down. Down. And...

I wake up.

Shadows Over Camelot

What... The... Flying... McFudge?

I mean, I've had some weird dreams before. There was this one the other night with Candace Cameron, and... (that'll be enough of that... relevant picture is relevant).

Dreams are funny things, and what's more, there are people who believe our dreams hold meaning. If you're one of those, I'd love some insight on this one. But with a game like Mysterium, that's exactly what you're going to need to do. Whether playing the ghost or one of the psychics, you're going to need to need to play the game of Clue... on acid (Bill Clinton voice: I did not have physical relations with the acid).

Mysterium is a game for dimming down the lights and putting on some overly cheesy horror movie music. The ghost player (the game's deceased DM) gets to sort through a hand of obscure imagery, somehow trying to make them relate to real-world people, places, and objects. The psychics get to figure out why Jackie Chan can't let the chicken McNugget drop down the pinball machine (it's because the Chef is the killer, isn't it?!).

Recommend as a light game for 4 - 7 players. At lower player counts I found it less fun, but as all things with personal opinions, YMMV.


One last note on one of the game rules (maybe don't get used to this, as it's totally breaking my narrative). There are rules in the American version (and likely most other versions by now) about the psychic players guessing whether or not they think the other psychic players have guessed correctly about what their visions mean, and then tracking those guesses on a separate track (it's as convoluted as it sounds, but wait, there's more). This is then used to determine how many vision cards each psychic gets to see at endgame, meaning, mixing metaphors, you need to split the party in the final phase. These rules were not in the original Polish version of the game (so I'm lead to believe. I'm not Polish and have not played that version, so it is also quite possible I'm just making this up... Either way...). I find these "new" rules to be an unnecessary addition intending to add some more meat to the game, but the game is perfectly fun without them. When you're going to play a game like Mysterium, you're looking for some chicken McNuggets, not the Arch Deluxe.

Review Revisited: Other than some grammatical clean-up and some enhancing of the narrative for clarity and comedic purposes, the above is more or less my original review from 2017. That was early in Mysterium's life-cycle (or dream-cycle, as it were) for me. A year later, and the game doesn't see the table as much. It's a recurring dream. Eventually, the dream is less intense and loses some of the intrigue it once held. Perhaps the addition of the expansion cards would bring some of that mystery back. I still own the game, and it is still good to bring out as a gateway game for new players, so that is definitely a potential purchase in the future.

Interlude 1: Trickerion (or Pizza Delivery in 30 Minutes or Less)

In my professional life I've been required to attend a multitude of training courses for everything from Anti-Money Laundering to How to Write Clearly and Concisely (that one may not have stuck) to How to Treat People with Respect and Be a Decent Human Being (is this really so hard for some people that we need a class dedicated to it?!). But, today's journey brings us away from the awkward stares of the company HR team, and into the exciting world of Six Sigma. If you don't know what that is... it really doesn't matter, just go with it.

Definitely, 100%, not me

There I was, going for my green belt (yes, they have "belts" for these business classes... I don't know either), and it comes to everyone's favorite part of any classroom experience. Group Activity. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was one who always internally let out a huge sigh of annoyance whenever the teacher started breaking us up into teams. I can do this on my own, thank you very much.

But alas, I needed to complete the course, and the course wanted me in a group. So, group activity time it was. I pouted my way over to my team and we were given our task. Deliver pizzas. Now. Pizza delivery is a rather typical example in the six sigma world. You want to deliver pizza within 30 minutes or it's free to customer. So. What do you do?

Pizza dude's got 30 seconds

Hopefully not have to deliver to 122 1/8. "Wise man say, forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."

Anywho, the class obviously didn't have us actually out delivering pizzas. Instead, we were given catapults. Because, reasons. And What you did was drop some foil on the floor. Tape a target on the foil. And shoot ping pong balls at it. In the target, pizza delivered on time. Everyone's first go is naturally a cluster.

Fire in the hole!

But something with me clicked here.
"You, hold this part."
"You, grab a pencil."
"You, get more tape."
"Hold this. Mark that. Stand here."

Ping pong balls dead to rights (errrr, pizzas delivered in 30 minutes or less).

What occurred to me was:
A) Having me on your team is probably a good thing if you're the quiet type.
B) I REALLY like sending workers out to do my bidding for me.

No surprise that my favorite game mechanic is Worker Placement.

Enter Trickerion: Legends of Illusion.

Trickerion (the base game) came out back in 2015 when I was just a mere fledgling of board gamer (look, Catan!) who didn't even know what a kickstarter was (isn't that the thing you use to get your pizza delivery moped going?). However, even since then, I have not purchased nor played the game (still haven't (played it)... he says hanging his head in shame).

BUT (and that's a big but), the game is back on Kickstarter right now.
RIGHT. NOW.
The KS is for an expansion, BUT (another one!), they're also selling a Collector's Edition.
Base game. ALL OF THE Expansions. Metal coins. Other nifty stuff (did I look at what that stuff was before backing? No! Do I care? Not really! Still in!). (There's also an Upgrade Kit if you already have the base game).

Not only does this scratch my worker placement itch. But holy monkey, the art and theme on it is just... beautiful (look at that board! Look at it!). I'm all in and looking forward to getting this on the table.

Foreword: A Review of Board Game Reviews

A trope that exists throughout all manner of media; there are two types of people in this world...

King of Tokyo

I have two little girls, and not long ago, I had one of those "dad reflexes" moments. You've seen the videos; dad chases down his kid on a runaway sled, stopping it just before a car passes in the street. That kinda thing. So, I was preparing a bath for the younger one, getting the tub filled, while the little one was undressing and babbling her little kid nonsense.

Little One: I hate carrots!
Dad: But carrots are very good for you. They help keep your eyes strong.
Litte One: When you eat it, it doesn't go up. It goes down into your belly.

Bohnanza

I did all the responsible parent things. Made sure the tub was clean, had the slip mat ready, the rug beside the tub for splash damage and drying. I even reached in every 12.4 seconds to ensure the temperature was just right, because you do not want to try to get a kid into a bath that's 1 degree off from where they're comfortable.

"IT BURNS ME!"
"No. No it doesn't."

Anyway, the water was just right. The little one was undressed, and I told her to get in. Well, she can't just take my word that the temperature is perfect, so before stepping in she reaches over the side to put a hand in. At this point I'm about ready to step out (she's not so little she can't be left alone in the bath), but as I turn I see some slight movement in the mirror.

Dungeon Fighter

I spin, lunge, reach back, and catch the shower curtain rod as it falls, just a hair's breadth above her little head.

It was like something out of a movie, and the only one to witness it was the little one, who, let's face it, didn't even notice or care. That's just what dads do. But, wow, there is some adrenaline rush to a feat like that. I NEEDED to tell someone.

I call up a friend, "you're never going to believe this. There I was, in the bathroom getting a bath ready for the little one. Setting the temperature just right, and..."

"Get to the point."

You see, there are two types of people. Those who appreciate a story, allowing the narrator to set a scene, to build tension, to let the world build and events flow naturally. The setup is half the fun.

And then there's my friend who just wants the headline.
DAD CATCHES FALLING CURTAIN ROD ABOVE CHILD'S HEAD

The board gaming hobby has seen quite a bit of growth of late, and with that, there's been an influx of reviewers out there. While everyone has their own style and their own niche, there seems to be a rather consistent format to it all.

Rules/Gameplay Overview, Components, Opinion.

Fury of Dracula

It's my friend who only wants the headlines. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a ubiquitous format because it works. But it's not what I intend to do here. I will do reviews, but I may or may not ever touch upon actual rules or gameplay, or mention the components. My opinion, however, is what you'll get, in a sense. You see, what you're signing up for here is a review hidden behind a storytelling, where, in the end, you'll understand how playing a game made me feel, and thereby how it might make you feel. There's certainly no shortage of sites or videos on the other bits.

So, grab a cup of whatever makes you happy (coffee for me, please), and enjoy the ride.

Thanks for reading.